What did I see, Mummy?
What did I hear?
I’ve lost my voice, Mummy,
I’m frozen by fear.
You said I was loved, Mummy,
Yet I can’t feel a thing,
No memory to hold on to,
No love song to sing.
I need to grow up, Mummy,
Stop shielding my eyes,
What pain did I witness?
Oh, Mum please don’t cry. What transpired back then,
Had to happen that way,
For our souls to evolve,
As they have, to this day.
Mandy Edwards © 2019
Illustration by Amelia Hamilton
This poem came from a counselling session at Te Wahi Ora. My struggle to voice my thoughts, my deepest feelings became clear in the session after long being frozen into silence. As we reached out to the child within and validated her feelings it was suggested to the grown up me, that perhaps I had witnessed some trauma as a very young child, maybe even in the womb (at least pre-verbally) and that was why my mind went blank, my stomach started churning and I literally froze with fear).
I felt such relief that my panicked state had a possible reason and that my fear was that of a child, not the adult me who knows she is safe, capable, and confident in my present situations. And I guess, although I wanted to know what ‘might have happened’ in my past to create this state of panic inside me (hence the poem) the best thing I can do for myself is ‘grow up my inner child’ – make her feel safe and loved every time she freezes in panic until such time that I have integrated the young, free, creative, vulnerable Mandy into the mature, peaceful, responsible woman, that could be and is, moving towards her highest potential.
On my second trip to Te Wahi Ora for the Writing weekend in April, run by the fabulous Hilary Foged, I talked lovingly to my inner child on the motorway to help her through the panic of believing we could be heading in the wrong direction! And it worked! I navigated my way with the help of Google directions on my phone – and re-entered the Portal of Piha – yes, a little apprehensive about talking in front of a group of strangers, but also excited, exhilarated and ready to play.
Please click on the link to read, Seat of Trust
