I threw the dice today,
But the numbers didn’t stack up.
I forced you to be honest,
And now my heart is broken.
Is love an illusion?
An impossible dream?
The child in me cries,
Clinging to you for safety.
Believing, deep down
She is not good enough.
My shadows wrestle
Like prizefighters.
The truth fills me with pain.
Who or what is left to blame?
Mandy Edwards © 2013
Sometimes we take a gamble in life that will either reinforce the illusion we have of ourselves or crack it wide open. This was one of those moments. I asked a friend to be honest about my spiritual progress; but I didn’t really want to hear it. The impact of his words, at the time, “broke my heart.” Yet I have come to understand that, “A person cannot ever break your heart, but rather, they break your expectations. And by breaking your expectations, they get closer to your heart.” Matt Kahn. And I guess, that’s why it hurts so much!
I held a core belief that my friend would always be gentle and kind. No matter what I said or did. And I tested this theory out and it proved not to be true. Or so it seemed. His answer hurt me. Crushed me at the time. But his honesty brought me closer to the truth; mirrored in fact, what I was already thinking. I knew there was no-one to blame. But it is easier to blame because it takes the responsibility away from yourself. And responsibility is simply that: the ‘ability to respond’ in a way that honours your ‘higher self,’ or the ‘ability to respond’ with love and compassion to the crushed or dispirited ‘child’ within.
In the poem, Unravelling the Threads, I explore this idea further, unravelling the threads one stitch at a time, that bound me tightly to a false sense of security or identity. To discover the truth of who I really am. Love. I am, we are, the embodiment of love. Love manifested in human form. My friend’s words hurt me but did not silence me. I wrote a poem and let my inner child have her voice. I know now how important that is – it takes you away from victimhood and onto a path of healing. For yourself. And for the world.
